Those of you familiar with Stories & Fingerprints already know that it is usually a platform for my standard spiritual snobbery and pontification. However, from time to time, I feel inclined to also tell you a story or two about my exceptionally beautiful family. While it is above average in almost every regard, very occasionally some particular aspect rises even above all that. This will be the topic of our post today.
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I am a father of 3 delightful children. Two of them are boys, rambunctious and just short of miscreant status. They are very, very gifted in their depravity. Likewise they are a testimony to their species in the ways of generosity, kindness and gentleness.
But there is another kind born to us. A gentler kind. A radiant, joy-filled, awe-inspiring girl. Grr, she is called. Why? Well, it being MY blog I don’t really have to say, BUT these kids didn’t just come out spectacular: they learned it. Allow me to explain: #2 (“Mo”) struggled to say her name, and it came out sounding a lot like “Grr.” Suga Mama seemed taken by it, and began using the moniker “Grr” herself, leaving me little choice in the matter.
Since her landing, she has demonstrated her super-power already at her tender age of less than one year. It is patience in *virtually* all areas of life.
You’ll note that I say “virtually.” There are 2 specific areas where exception occurs. One area is Mama time. The 2nd area of holiness is meal-time.
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I hate cooking. I hate preparing food. I don’t even really want to put stuff in the oven. I consider it a great personal sacrifice and further evidence of my genuine and loving character when I do such things. I don’t mind eating. Not one bit.
My children don’t care about those things. But they have learned patience as it relates to their sloth-papa. Especially when he uses such sleight of hand trickery as turning on the television, which buys him a half-hour to make a sandwich or two.
With Grr, there shall be no such amusement, no such tom-foolery, and no further delay. This is apparent immediately. Credit that to my male-intuition and insight into the mind of children and women. That and the note that I received in my e-mail inbox.
Papa, my smile and my provider.
A brief explanation and correction of services rendered to follow:
Food will be delivered promptly.
Food presented will be food made “ready-to-eat.” Delays due to poor timing on the part of the preparer will not be adequate excuse for late presentation.
This means there will be no stirring, no blowing, no mixing of cooler elements, nor warmer, nor thickening agents, nor thinning ones. There will be no spreading about of the elements, even to further hurry cooling. Cooling time should have been accounted for in preparation time, back when I was waiting patiently, and appearing to be entertained by something, even content. Too late. Too bad.
Food supply shall continue until it is a clear and present fact that I am satisfied and finished. Any delays or abatement in the food supply shall result in demerits.
Greens shall not be served cool, or cold. They shall be served warm, with plenty of thickening agents present. Heat masks their general unpleasantness by burning the tongue. Oatmeal cereal further hides the offensiveness by blanding overall flavor.
Fruits shall be served by tonnage, not by bowl. Period.
Blowing on my face is unacceptable. If you don’t like my screaming or growling, serve me faster.
You may clean my lips and chin, chest, neck, head and shoulders, arms, elbows, folds, and hands-area with the spoon. As long as it doesn’t delay the next spoonful of food.
All meals will be followed by a wipe-down, using a non-abrasive dish-rag or wipe. Warm water shall be used, not cold, and you shall clean with a respectful dabbing motion, NOT a rough swipe. I am a lady, not a baboon. Thank you.
Optional bottle will be provided, within ½ hour of meal ending time. At this point, I will guzzle it like a college student, and promptly throw up ALL of my dinner. Where is not my concern.
Thank you. I’ll be seeing you again in about 2 ½ hours. Please- Do not further embarrass yourself or me. Be ready this time.
